Funny Tweeter

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Page of simoncholland's best tweets

@simoncholland : My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

@simoncholland: You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

@simoncholland: Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

@simoncholland: I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

@simoncholland: People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

@simoncholland: This sink looks like my kids' toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

@simoncholland: You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

@simoncholland: It's fine to eat a "test" grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it's all, "sir you need to leave."

@simoncholland: I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

@simoncholland: [Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.