I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*