Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I’ll never salute you, General Settings