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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM