Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
new wife guy just dropped
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were