Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My birth announcement for our third baby
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process