Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.