My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.