I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.