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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
s
oc
i
a
l
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.