All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My neck my back my allergy attack