Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose