Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
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If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I’m listening
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
This is a sub tweet
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Here’s a meme
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that