I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
the official breakfast of 2021
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”