telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Ape together strong
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?