Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”