I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
opening twitter today
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.