How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit