Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : [at the club] Me: ...everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots Her: Just take them off

@squirrel74wkgn: In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

@squirrel74wkgn: You know that you're officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: ...ok, he's cut off. Get him off the dance floor

@squirrel74wkgn: My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

@squirrel74wkgn: [at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

@squirrel74wkgn: Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

@squirrel74wkgn: [in bathroom stall]

Me: ...

Guy: ...most people wait their turn outside of the stall

@squirrel74wkgn: Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you'd like to wander the house at 3am.

@squirrel74wkgn: I'm pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I'm not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.