@squirrel74wkgn: Not sure what's more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am...or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
@squirrel74wkgn: *looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*
Wife: OH MY GOD
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
@squirrel74wkgn: [at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It's your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
@squirrel74wkgn: [on a date]
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what's taking the food so long?
@squirrel74wkgn: [at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night...she's a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
@squirrel74wkgn: [alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
"Take me to your leader"
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife...
@squirrel74wkgn: *picks up rotary phone*
@squirrel74wkgn: Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.