@squirrel74wkgn: [looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive...so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]...so weird
@squirrel74wkgn: [playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
@squirrel74wkgn: Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
@squirrel74wkgn: You should've seen the confused look on my neighbor's faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
@squirrel74wkgn: Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*