@squirrel74wkgn: [making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* ...I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
@squirrel74wkgn: [at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: I go into the stall for that
@squirrel74wkgn: [on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
@squirrel74wkgn: [on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Me: Nope. No way.
[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
@squirrel74wkgn: [leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
@squirrel74wkgn: Weird...my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
@squirrel74wkgn: [on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: ...when did we get a shed?