Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : (Age 22) *chugs bottle of water* Let's shoot some more hoops! (Age 42) *chugs bottle of water* I gotta pee.

@squirrel74wkgn: The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired...and all of Target went silent.

@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

@squirrel74wkgn: [guy next to me at urinal]

"Is that a 5 or 6?"

...about 5-1/2 I guess.

"Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?"

*zips up* No.

@squirrel74wkgn: I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course...

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

@squirrel74wkgn: *kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, "SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR."

@squirrel74wkgn: My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

@squirrel74wkgn: A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.