@squirrel74wkgn: The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired...and all of Target went silent.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
@squirrel74wkgn: [guy next to me at urinal]
"Is that a 5 or 6?"
...about 5-1/2 I guess.
"Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?"
*zips up* No.
@squirrel74wkgn: I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course...
*walks out 26 minutes later*
@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.
[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
@squirrel74wkgn: *kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, "SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR."
@squirrel74wkgn: My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
@squirrel74wkgn: A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: I told you to slow down.
Cop: License & registration, please.
Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?
Me: Look underneath them.