@squirrel74wkgn: [standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Honey, I'm upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember...
@squirrel74wkgn: 2017 - Wizard of Oz
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
@squirrel74wkgn: No thank you, shower sex. I'll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
@squirrel74wkgn: Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
@squirrel74wkgn: Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
@squirrel74wkgn: [outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I'm gonna need a minute.
@squirrel74wkgn: I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
@squirrel74wkgn: I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-