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Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

@squirrel74wkgn: [trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

@squirrel74wkgn: [at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: ...
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: ...
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: ...
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

@squirrel74wkgn: *walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

@squirrel74wkgn: My wife agreed to a water birth, so I'm setting up a slip'n slide in the front yard right now. I'm gonna wait at the end & catch him.

@squirrel74wkgn: [at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

@squirrel74wkgn: [at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

@squirrel74wkgn: [laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: ...a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

@squirrel74wkgn: Of course I believe in miracles...even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

@squirrel74wkgn: Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie...he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”