Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

@squirrel74wkgn: [making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* ...I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

@squirrel74wkgn: [at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: ...
Me: ...
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: ...
Me: I go into the stall for that

@squirrel74wkgn: [on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

@squirrel74wkgn: [on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

@squirrel74wkgn: [leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

@squirrel74wkgn: son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

@squirrel74wkgn: [at Taco Bell]


Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

@squirrel74wkgn: [on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: ...
Wife: ...
Me: ...
Wife: ...
Me: ...when did we get a shed?