Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : I'd love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can't come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

@squirrel74wkgn: Not sure what's more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am...or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

@squirrel74wkgn: *looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

@squirrel74wkgn: [at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It's your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

@squirrel74wkgn: [on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what's taking the food so long?

@squirrel74wkgn: [at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night...she's a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

@squirrel74wkgn: [alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

"Take me to your leader"

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife...

@squirrel74wkgn: *picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

@squirrel74wkgn: Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.