@squirrel74wkgn: "WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?"
*stomps feet to pretend I'm going towards that room*
@squirrel74wkgn: [stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
@squirrel74wkgn: My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers...slid off the end of the bed...and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
@squirrel74wkgn: [family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
@squirrel74wkgn: [watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose...
@squirrel74wkgn: I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
@squirrel74wkgn: [in my bedroom]
Me: ...and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So...what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
@squirrel74wkgn: Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*