Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : [at the club] Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks) Bouncer: No, those are okay...take off the fanny pack

@squirrel74wkgn: [news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

@squirrel74wkgn: [at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a...
Wife: Frisbee

@squirrel74wkgn: [at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@squirrel74wkgn: [at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can't get my perm wet for another few days.

@squirrel74wkgn: [at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey...your hospital gown is on backwards

@squirrel74wkgn: *watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: ...you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

@squirrel74wkgn: I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.