Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : [in the garden] Me: Go grab the hose Son: Okay [15 min later] Son: *walks up with our neighbors* Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: ...

Realtor: ...no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

@squirrel74wkgn: There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

@squirrel74wkgn: [after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

@squirrel74wkgn: Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! ...I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

@squirrel74wkgn: My son just flicked a booger & now it's hanging from my wife's forehead. I'd tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

@squirrel74wkgn: My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

@squirrel74wkgn: [text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[...typing]
Haha, April fools

@squirrel74wkgn: Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.