@squirrel74wkgn: [news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
@squirrel74wkgn: [at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a...
@squirrel74wkgn: [at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
@squirrel74wkgn: [at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can't get my perm wet for another few days.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Bob: Hey...your hospital gown is on backwards
@squirrel74wkgn: *watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: ...you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
@squirrel74wkgn: I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.