Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : Wife: You wouldn't believe the day- *puts TV remote to my ear* Hello? Hey Bob- [hand covering remote] -sorry honey, I have to take this.

@squirrel74wkgn: [standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Honey, I'm upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember...
Pam: Hi

@squirrel74wkgn: 2017 - Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

@squirrel74wkgn: No thank you, shower sex. I'll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

@squirrel74wkgn: Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

@squirrel74wkgn: Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

@squirrel74wkgn: [outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I'm gonna need a minute.

@squirrel74wkgn: I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

@squirrel74wkgn: I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

POOF![ponytail appears]