Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : [at dinner] Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums* Wife: What are you doing? Me: I dunno...saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

@squirrel74wkgn: *leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

@squirrel74wkgn: WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

@squirrel74wkgn: Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

@squirrel74wkgn: Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

@squirrel74wkgn: [human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): ...I was talking about my foot

@squirrel74wkgn: [at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

@squirrel74wkgn: [leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir...your suppositories are ready

@squirrel74wkgn: I used to be happily married...but then we went furniture shopping together.