Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : [at grocery store] Son: Why is this peach fuzzy? Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

@squirrel74wkgn: [looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive...so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]...so weird

@squirrel74wkgn: [playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

@squirrel74wkgn: Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

@squirrel74wkgn: You should've seen the confused look on my neighbor's faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

@squirrel74wkgn: Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

@squirrel74wkgn: Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*