@squirrel74wkgn: Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: ...no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
@squirrel74wkgn: There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
@squirrel74wkgn: Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! ...I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
@squirrel74wkgn: My son just flicked a booger & now it's hanging from my wife's forehead. I'd tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
@squirrel74wkgn: My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
@squirrel74wkgn: [text from wife]
I want a divorce
Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!
Haha, April fools
@squirrel74wkgn: Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.