@squirrel74wkgn: *leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
@squirrel74wkgn: WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
@squirrel74wkgn: Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
@squirrel74wkgn: Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
@squirrel74wkgn: [human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): ...I was talking about my foot
@squirrel74wkgn: [at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
@squirrel74wkgn: [leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir...your suppositories are ready
@squirrel74wkgn: I used to be happily married...but then we went furniture shopping together.