Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : Soooo, if the string breaks off...do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out? Female cashier: [stares at me] *rings up tampons*

@squirrel74wkgn: "WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?"

*stomps feet to pretend I'm going towards that room*

@squirrel74wkgn: [stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@squirrel74wkgn: My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers...slid off the end of the bed...and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

@squirrel74wkgn: [family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

@squirrel74wkgn: [watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes...why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose...

@squirrel74wkgn: I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

@squirrel74wkgn: [in my bedroom]

Me: ...and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So...what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

@squirrel74wkgn: Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*