Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
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“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.