Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.