CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
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When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.