Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of stockejock's best tweets

@stockejock : What do we want? ROCK HARD ABS! When do we want them? THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

@stockejock: Misery loves company,
and apparently that's why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@stockejock: I'm already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@stockejock: What doesn't kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

@stockejock: Grandma, stop asking people what they're supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

@stockejock: Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

@stockejock: 'Pardon my French' -People who you would never pardon and who don't know any French

@stockejock: Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. :(

@stockejock: Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen's house.