Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I feel it
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did