Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You Might Also Like
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia