Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly