I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh