[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
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me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”