I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.