I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.