I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
They say women only use 10% of their anger
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.