[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
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Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Well, this certainly took a turn
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I hate my earbuds.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.