JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.