HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
And now we wait
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]