You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”