wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
You Might Also Like
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
do horses think humans are hats
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant