I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
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I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself