My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
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guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He鈥檚 Carrying At Once
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor鈥檚 ox*
She: I like Cats
He:
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do馃憦you馃憦want馃憦a馃憦ham馃憦sandwich馃憦or馃憦turkey馃憦and馃憦cheese
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 馃槉
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Can鈥檛 afford the chiropractor so I鈥檓 just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
.
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Squash
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Actually, it鈥檚 illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….