Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Beware…..
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway