I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
You Might Also Like
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Bring back the McRib
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Seas the day!!!!
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no