People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*