Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?