I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.