@thatUPSdude: That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.

@thatUPSdude: I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don't use a blinker.

@thatUPSdude: Her: You didn't come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn't see you
Me: Like I said "ninja"

@thatUPSdude: Don't forget to check your kid's candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew's Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.

@thatUPSdude: So what's your secret?

~People that don't understand how secrets work.

@thatUPSdude: Doc: Now don't take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren't you adorable.

@thatUPSdude: Devil: I want your soul!

Me: Not for sale!

Devil: Name your price.

Me: Fix all my typos.

Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.

@thatUPSdude: Me: Can I get cheese on that?

Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.

Me: And?

@thatUPSdude: Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.