@thatUPSdude: Thanksgiving,

A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.

@thatUPSdude: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy alcohol. And I’m a happy drunk.

@thatUPSdude: Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background

DMV: For the last time sir, you can't submit your own photo

@thatUPSdude: *at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles

@thatUPSdude: Me: What are these red chips worth?

Dealer: 5 bucks.

Me: What about this orange one?

Dealer: Sir, that's a Dorito.

@thatUPSdude: Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@thatUPSdude: If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I'm in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

@thatUPSdude: "It's only arson if you get caught"

~Things my sister says I'm not allowed to tell her kids

@thatUPSdude: Turns out you can't bring your cat onto a bus even if he's wearing a top hat and cape.

Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.