@thatUPSdude: Me: What are these red chips worth?

Dealer: 5 bucks.

Me: What about this orange one?

Dealer: Sir, that's a Dorito.

@thatUPSdude: Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@thatUPSdude: If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I'm in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

@thatUPSdude: "It's only arson if you get caught"

~Things my sister says I'm not allowed to tell her kids

@thatUPSdude: Turns out you can't bring your cat onto a bus even if he's wearing a top hat and cape.

Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.

@thatUPSdude: [AA Meeting]

"I think it's time we address the elephant in the room"

Elephant: Hey hey I thought this was supposed to be anonymous!?

@thatUPSdude: Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.

@thatUPSdude: *goes camping*

*sets up camouflage tent*

*can’t find tent*

*drives home*

@thatUPSdude: That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.