A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.
@thatUPSdude: Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background
DMV: For the last time sir, you can't submit your own photo
@thatUPSdude: *at a casino*
Me: How much are these chips worth?
Dealer: Sir those are Pringles
@thatUPSdude: Me: What are these red chips worth?
Dealer: 5 bucks.
Me: What about this orange one?
Dealer: Sir, that's a Dorito.
@thatUPSdude: Me: I need to go
Tequila: No stay, have a couple more
Me: I need to go to bed
Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you
@thatUPSdude: If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I'm in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.
@thatUPSdude: "It's only arson if you get caught"
~Things my sister says I'm not allowed to tell her kids
@thatUPSdude: Turns out you can't bring your cat onto a bus even if he's wearing a top hat and cape.
Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.