The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
j o i m p
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.