@thatUPSdude: Me: What are these red chips worth?
Dealer: 5 bucks.
Me: What about this orange one?
Dealer: Sir, that's a Dorito.
@thatUPSdude: Me: I need to go
Tequila: No stay, have a couple more
Me: I need to go to bed
Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you
@thatUPSdude: If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I'm in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.
@thatUPSdude: "It's only arson if you get caught"
~Things my sister says I'm not allowed to tell her kids
@thatUPSdude: Turns out you can't bring your cat onto a bus even if he's wearing a top hat and cape.
Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.
@thatUPSdude: [AA Meeting]
"I think it's time we address the elephant in the room"
Elephant: Hey hey I thought this was supposed to be anonymous!?
@thatUPSdude: Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.
Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.
@thatUPSdude: That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.