@thatUPSdude: I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don't use a blinker.
@thatUPSdude: Her: You didn't come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn't see you
Me: Like I said "ninja"
@thatUPSdude: Don't forget to check your kid's candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew's Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.
@thatUPSdude: Devil: I want your soul!
Me: Not for sale!
Devil: Name your price.
Me: Fix all my typos.
Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.
@thatUPSdude: Me: Can I get cheese on that?
Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.
@thatUPSdude: Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?
Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.
@thatUPSdude: Niece: Uncle I can't find my Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That's Weird.