@thatUPSdude: Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.

@thatUPSdude: Niece: Uncle I can't find my Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That's Weird.

@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.

@thatUPSdude: Is there gangs where they just go to buffets? I can join that type of gang.

@thatUPSdude: "You clean up well" is a nice way of saying "You look like shit at work".

@thatUPSdude: "Eating Clean" means not leaving a scrap behind on your plate right?

Then yes, I "eat clean".

@thatUPSdude: Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say "ABRACADABRA" when you do it.

@thatUPSdude: Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.

@thatUPSdude: I don't believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.

Just joking, I believe in Nessie.