Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thatdutchperson's best tweets

@thatdutchperson : Phil Collins used to be a sex symbol, in case you’re wondering how good cocaine was in the 80s.

@thatdutchperson: [date doesn't cry at the beginning of Up]
"I think we should see other people."

@thatdutchperson: When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

@thatdutchperson: [cooking class]
"Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?"

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@thatdutchperson: [at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

"Sir, that's a bench."

Me: perfect.

@thatdutchperson: I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

@thatdutchperson: [trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

@thatdutchperson: [blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I'M 34 IF YOU DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I'M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

@thatdutchperson: Maybe cats always look like they're planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@thatdutchperson: They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I'm pretty sure I'm 98% living room.