My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.