it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Cha-ching is my safe word
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.