me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.