My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad馃槳
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Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
There are no pants in heaven.
The Compass
i will not be silenced
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can鈥檛 say that to people.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you鈥檝e had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don鈥檛 see the problem, don鈥檛 touch my cat
Legend states that when you鈥檙e in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 馃檹馃徏
HR: We鈥檝e noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That鈥檚 odd
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I鈥檓 really worried about you.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die