Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The Joker was right