[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Tony Hawk, age 6
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.