[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.