My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
The dog I鈥檓 sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don鈥檛.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we鈥檙e deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn鈥檛 you?
Me: Yes.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It鈥檚 the only doctor who doesn鈥檛 weigh me.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she鈥檇 maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 馃檮
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)